Can't sleep

(ooooohhhh jjjjaaaaaa!)

Good evening. Good morning. Good day. Good afternoon. Good thing there's no expression that will ever work for us both at the same time...not.

I can't sleep. It's almost 2 am and I'm wide awake. Sometimes I think it's fun when you wake up like this, but other times, you just think "oh great, tomorrow's going to be even rougher than I thought." I tried calling home today but both Mom and Dad were at work I think...it's sad not to know when the best time to reach them is.

I was just having a dream where I saw this girl on the subway wearing a WWJD bracelet, carrying a bunch of groceries. We were riding in the same direction for a while and I wanted to talk to her but didn't know how or what to say, and if I should go with german or english. It frustrated me, and then she was gone. And I think I imagined her bracelet, like the oasis phenomenon--when one envisions what one hopes for, though it is actually absent.

On a new thought--I was saying to someone the other day that this experience is really a just a greenhouse for growing up. Let's be honest here, I really and truly am living on my own for the first time. Financially speaking, I am supported. But when I got to thinking about this (I've been thinking much about this concept!) I concluded that no one ever really starts from scratch, and we ALL, to some degree, are/were supported by others financially. No one homeless could claim to have started and "done everything on their own," because quite frankly, it was a collaborative effort of those who threw coins his way that got him started. Same for heirs, on a much larger scale, but same concept--they just had large checks thrown their way. Okay so I'm rambling, but what I'm saying is...I am living on my own for the first time ever.

There is no Brittany or Maddy to come home to like last school year. There is no Martin Dining Hall where I swipe my Miami ID and get food for nothing. Nope. None of that. I cook for one, come home to none, and this little piggy cried all the way home. (Well, I only cried on my way home the first night. I just rhymed earlier so I wanted to finish the song for you.) Cooking for one is NOT something I enjoy. Maybe it's because my hips are practically wider than my kitchen, and there's just no space (oh yeah, there's not much food in there either...).

We were really thrown into this whole experience. Nothing you could do could ever prepare you. You can't hit the ground running. You just can't. I am frustrated most often by not knowing the procedure for things to be accomplished--who you go to, what you do, what you need. I suppose it's the same as in the states. In general I hate "not knowing" and I am always wanting more answers from this life.

Might I also add a word about American convenient stores? Yes, let me tell you about them. Let me tell you how perfectly they are named....C-O-N-V-E-N-I-E-N-T. Do me a favor, and the next time you just want some tape or something and you hop into your car at 9:47pm to pick up a few random items, DON'T GET MAD. Don't you dare think thoughts of frustration! Because let me tell you how convenient things are in America....QUITE. Things close way early here, and I don't even KNOW where to go to buy tape (for the record, that's my fault, not Germany's).

One thing I realize about myself every time I write is that I don't want to stop. Sometimes I'd rather write everything than talk. I'm sorry the pictures aren't up from the last post, but they were all sideways when I tried and I thought that because you're American, you might complain about having to turn your head 90 degrees (just kidding). Ha. You know what? I am always hungry. But I feel like all I do is eat here. What's wrong with me? Too bad it's not good to eat late, otherwise I'd be feasting on ummm....bread....and cookies....and a garlic clove.....right now. After all, that's essentially the extent of my fridge and cabinet.

I'm gonna stop myself from writing now because if I don't, I'll never stop. If you pray at all, please pray that tomorrow I'm not as exhausted as I predict I'll be... I need energy, mentally and physically. Danke sehr.